Frost Armwrestling Fulgrum

I do not believe I will ever be satisfied. Not with work. Not with my relationships. Not with life in general. Where this attitude will lead me remains to be seen. Thus far my score card is a dozen failed relationships, and almost twice as many partners, yet none of them has been able to keep my attention for very long. My employment history began almost fifteen years ago yet there is nothing in it which I would want to consider career defining. This thought is all the more startling when I look back and realize how much my current job has so clearly dictated my life. Then there are moments such as this one, where I am supposed to be diligently working on the tasks in which I receive a salary for and yet here I am writing. Like any type of purging - puking, shitting, sleeping, or fucking - this task above all else must be done before anything else to cleanse the consciousness and allow my soul to find the solace to keep working. So here I am typing out a stream of consciousness rant to sooth my confused psyche.

What bothers me the most is the underlying thought that in the end this all futile and perhaps my life would be better served escaping all of this. Flying on the plane today I was surrounded by folks living the lifestyle of lemmings. Get up, go to work, come home, spend time with the family, and then repeat for the rest of your life. When I think of them I feel incrediblu sorry for them. My God if I look back ten years from now and I am living that same lifestyle - dictated, predictable, ordinary - then fucking kill me right now. And then it hits me: that is the thought that will save you. As long as the fire burns within and I constantly seeking the road less traveled then my life will be far from ordinary, completely unpredictable, and will only be dictacted to me periodically.

But here is the rub. On some level I crave the lemming lifestyle. The security of a home and warmth of family will end up being the last uncharted territory for me. After I have base-jumped Mount Rushmore and swam with whale sharks the most challenging task will be that of father and husband. Thus the inner battle continues on.