George Lucas Please Stop

After seeing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull I was going to rip on every aspect of the film that bothered me. From Lucas' trying to turn Shia LaBeouf, who could easily pass for Zach Braff's younger, less aggressive brother, into Marlon Brando from The Wild Ones to the triple waterfall dive in the duck truck, which was neither exciting nor believable. Then as I thought about it more there are aspects of all the films that have struck me as implausible or annoying.

For example, how the hell did Indy survive being attached to a submarine in Raiders of the Lost Ark. At the beginning of Temple of Doom there was the totally unbelievable life raft jump from a plane onto a raging river. The entire dirigible escape sequence in The Last Crusade, while really exciting, was a series of unbelievable coincidences. As for annoying characters Temple of Doom's Willie Scott and Short Round are perfect examples of characters whose only purpose seemed to be getting in the way.

The main element that help made these movies believable in spite of the occasional lapses in reality were the quests themselves. The Arc of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, and Shakra Stones were objects you could believe existing in the real world. It was enough to make you want to find them yourself. Beyond that a was reverence and mysticism surrounding those objects that allowed such gimmicks as melting faces, giving immortality, or spontaneous combustion to be believable.

The crystal skull mentioned in the title of the film also has an inherent mysticism surrounding it. It has magnetic properties and can turn veteran reserved stage actor John Hurt into a gibbering buffoon. But when Indy tells us that it was constructed so flawlessly that there was no way it could have been made on earth you know where this movie is headed. My hope was that Lucas and Co. stopped just short of the point of ridiculousness. If only we were so lucky. Instead we learn that the crystal skull is part of an alien's skeleton. The alien artifact angle is difficult enough to swallow, but even on an alien world it would be biologically impossible to have a crystal skeleton. (Christ, I sound like such a nerd.) At this point in the film I started chewing on my straw to keep from screaming out "You got to fucking kidding me!"

The coup de gras in this train wreck of distorted logic and storytelling was the ending. Since I had no choice but to go with them on this I believed that an alien culture had come down and taught the natives about irrigation, language, farming, hunting, and everything else. I also decided to believe that attaching the skull to the alien skeleton would initiate some sort of launch sequence revealing an alien spacecraft buried in the mountains of Peru. What I refuse to believe, and where Lucas and Co. lost me, was the appearance of an actual alien to burn out Cate Blanchette's eyes. No matter how much mysticism they wish to place upon the skull it is impossible to believe that thirteen spinning crystal skeletons would fuse into one live in the flesh alien.

Walking out of the theater I muttered to myself, "Aliens. Seriously, fucking aliens. That fricken movie turned into Close Encounters of the Worst Kind."

This brings us back to the title of this missive. At this point in his career George Lucas has become famous for being an egomaniac of Orwellian proportions. Do a little bit of research and you will uncover that the original story idea involving aliens was from Lucas. It was a story element that both Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford, the only other people with veto power on the script, both said was ridiculous. This explains why it took nineteen years to get them to finally agree to this ludicrous plot element. After all, having the media, friends, and family steadily ask you when the next Indiana Jones film is coming out could become annoying enough to simply succumb to this monumental stupid idea. So, without further preamble:

Dear Mr. Lucas,

Please stop writing and directing.

Just stop.

At this point in your career your main strengths are building up the effects powerhouse that is Lucasfilm and helping to fund independent films. Your strength is not in writing or directing. It never really was if you think about it. The only film that worked on both levels was American Graffiti. Mainly because it was a subject near and dear to your heart. Even though I and millions of others absolutely loved Star Wars, I mean Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, I suspect it was kind of fluke that it went so well. Either that or your instincts and chops were more honed when you were in debt.

If you wish to keep writing and directing my suggestion is to focus on producing quality children's entertainment. This seems only natural since you keep telling everyone that the Star Wars and Indiana Jones cycles are meant for younger audiences. (Although truth be told, I think even I seven year old would wonder what a spaceship was doing in that movie.) Besides have seen the crap that is on Cartoon Network or the pseudo-Christian propaganda that is passing from children's films. The only person out there making quality, smart, and fun movies for people under the age of twelve is Robert Rodriquez - a fellow student of the old DIY school. You would sweep up in that field. As an added bonus you would still get your original fan base coming to the films even though they are not made for us.

But please stop writing and directing. You're just fucking killing us with how bad it has become.

Sincerely,
Ben Holley
A Beleaguered Fan