Tuesday, July 28, 2009




11 Famous People Who Were in the Completely Wrong Career at Age 30

  1. Sylvester Stallone, deli counter attendant. After getting no career traction as an actor in his 20s, Stallone attacked his 30s like any 5'3 man should: He wrote a movie where he was an all-American hero with unbelievable success in sports.

    That movie was "Rocky"... he banged out the "Rocky" screenplay in three days, in between working at a deli counter and as a movie theater usher... and it launched his career with an Academy Award for Best Picture.

  2. Andrea Bocelli, lawyer. He'd loved music and singing his whole life... but didn't really see (no pun intended) it as a career possibility. So, after school, he got a law degree at the University of Pisa. At age 30 he was working as a lawyer and moonlighting in a piano bar for fun and extra cash. He didn't catch a break as a singer until 1992, at age 34.

  3. Martha Stewart, stockbroker. When she was 30, Martha Stewart was a stockbroker, no doubt learning all about finance and the ethics involved therein. Two years later she and her husband purchased a beat-down farmhouse in Connecticut... she led the restoration... transitioned into a domestic lifestyle... and parlayed that into her evil, evil career.

  4. Mao Tse-Tung, elementary school principal. At age 30, Mao was involved in communism... he was a young star of the Chinese Communist Party... but didn't realize it could be a career. (Probably didn't see communism as being very lucrative...?)

    Instead, he was working as the principal of an elementary school. Where, no doubt, hall passes were decadent. Four years later he started a communist group that eventually became the Red Army and put him in power.

  5. Julia Child, government spy. Absolutely the wrong career. At age 30, Child wasn't cooking... she was working for the U.S. government as a spy. She went on clandestine missions to China and Sri Lanka (which, at the time, was called Ceylon) to get intelligence documents to agents in the field. She didn't enter cooking school until age 36.

    How it took until now to make a movie about her life (it comes out in like a week, with Meryl Streep) is mind blowing. They made a movie about the life of MC Hammer. They made a sitcom out of the Geico cavemen. I mean... someone bought the rights to make a movie out of "Where's Waldo?" You're telling me Waldo's more interesting than female spy-turned-TV cooking superstar? It's "Alias" meets "Top Chef"! Just because Waldo traveled to a bunch of exotic places where he managed to mingle with lots of other people wearing deceptive red-and-white striped shirts doesn't make him movie-worthy.

  6. James Joyce, singing. By 30, Joyce was writing... just not getting published. So to make ends meet he reviewed books, taught and, weirdly, made a lot of money thanks to his gorgeous tenor singing voice. (He was also a raging alcoholic, which isn't financially lucrative until you become an author and can parlay those drunken antics into stories. Ask Hemingway. Or James Frey, sort of.)

    Joyce finally got his first book, "Dubliners", published at age 32, which launched his career as, arguably, one of the most successful authors of all time.

    So I've decided to co-opt his style and will write the next point on this list completely in the manner of James Joyce.

  7. Colonel Sanders, tons of blue collar jobs. When yes Harland Sanders was turning 30 yes he was still yes switching from one yes career yes to yes another yes: Steamboat pilot (yes!), insurance salesman (yes!), farmer (yes!), railroad fireman (yes!), gigolo (no!). He didn't yes start cooking chicken until he was 40 yes and yes, yes, yes didn't start franchising until, yes, age 65.

  8. Michael Jordan, baseball player At age 30, Michael Jordan was the biggest star in the world, had just led the Chicago Bulls to three straight NBA championships... and promptly quit to become a minor league baseball later.

    This remains one of the most suspicious moves any celebrity has made in our lifetimes. If this happened today, the Internet would actually blow up with people debating the real reason why Jordan quit. The NBA secretly suspended him for gambling but couldn't afford to admit he'd gambled on their games? Scottie Pippen took photos of him having gay sex with Bill Wennington and threatened to blackmail Jordan unless he stepped away? He killed a man? It's all equally plausible (especially the Wennington thing).

    Anyway, I included this on the list because it shows that even Michael Jordan was still searching for the right career at age 30.

  9. Rodney Dangerfield, aluminum siding salesman. He started doing stand-up at age 19... then gave up on it in his mid-20s.. He started working as an acrobatic diver (true... and wow, I never realized that was the influence for the Triple Lindy)... and then as an aluminum siding salesman. He didn't start getting back into comedy until he was 40.

  10. Harrison Ford, carpenter. When Ford was 30, he starred in "American Graffiti"... which was a huge hit. But he got paid a pittance for acting in it, decided he was never going to make it as an actor, and quit the business to get back into the more financially dependable world of construction.

    Four years later, he met up with George Lucas again (for those who don't know, Lucas directed "Graffiti") and Lucas cast him as Han Solo.

  11. Jesus, carpenter. At age 30, Jesus finally stopped doing carpentry and started performing miracles. See, Harrison Ford and Jesus have more in common than you'd think.
Other people who made their mark in a new career after their 30th birthday:

John Grisham. A lawyer and lawmaker for 10 years, Grisham did not publish his first book until he was 33.


Monday, July 20, 2009

Reimagine the Zodiac Cancer

The date of my birth resides in the most ill conceived sign of the Zodiac calendar. That would be the sign of Cancer. The name itself has a negative connotation. Cancer, the disease that slowly turns your cells against you wherein the only "cure" is to flood your body with radiation. While this is an apt metaphor for anyone who has become romantically entangled with my fellow tribe members, it is not a name to be proudly associated.

Then there is the animal assigned to Cancer, the crab. It is the most pathetic of the Zodiac creatures. In Greek mythology Hera had sent a crab to distract Hercules from defeating the Hydra. The crab scuttled over and nipped at the mighty Hercules' ankles who promptly turned around and crushed the crab with foot. Even before being assigned to the Zodiac Cancer was already being picked on by the bigger guys.

As a reward for its bravery, Hera gave the Cancer a place in the constellations. The irony of this astrological choice is that the constellation of Cancer does not actually cross into the night sky until August.

Whenever someone, including myself, states they are a Cancer the image that pops into my mind is a diseased crab scuttling around trying desperately not to get stepped on. Recently that image was replaced though.

A couple of months ago I was killing time wandering through the action figure aisle of Toys R Us. Among the usual rows of WWE, Star Wars, and the most recently blockbuster tie-ins was the most unusual action I had seen in quite a while.


Picking it up from the shelf I noticed that this creation was from McFarlane toys. Considering the source it didn't surprise me much that this toy was pretty scary looking.

The series name on the packaging was "Warrior of the Zodiac." This odd and rather frighening monster was supposed to represent the sign of Cancer. I looked at it again.


If Maximus from Gladiator and Ghengis Khan were used to genetically modify a crab this is what would happen.


Leave it to the slightly twisted minds of McFarlane to design a Cancer that will give your children nightmares. Finally, a image of the Zodiac sign that crushes the pathetic scuttling crab that is normally used.

So I dedicate this post to my fellow Cancers. The next time you need tougher image of our animal assigned to our time in the Sun and the Moon remember this image.

This is what a Cancer looks likes.